I’ve got a problem…

So, today I thought I would share with you a bit about my personality so you can get to know me better. Since I was little i’ve always had a fiery personality. Even at primary school I remember one boy saying to me ‘Oh no! She’s giving me the glare!’ and I saw that as having power, power to not be bullied or take any nonsense from anyone. I also have a great sense of justice, and don’t like seeing the weak being preyed on, and most certainly I do not let anyone do or say anything nasty to my family. In some ways having a fiery personality is great, you don’t get walked over, however, it’s also really hard to deal with.

When I use my fiery personality, it has occurred to me that I have started to use it so no one can get close to me, or to give off the impression that no one can hurt me. But in reality, I am one of the most sensitive people you will meet. Someone only has to say something in a slightly different tone and that’s it, I start shutting you out, my walls come up and then starts my attitude. I’ve lost count of the amount of tiffs i’ve had with my boyfriend over me taking things the wrong way, or just stopping all communication because i’m trying so hard to show I don’t care.

I also find it very hard to trust people. When I was younger I was probably a little too trusting, I always forgave, but I also always forgot. They say you’re meant to forgive but not forget. That doesn’t mean you should hold a grudge, it just means you should learn from the situation, and take note incase a certain person is out to upset you etc.

That’s my other problem. I hold a grudge, I hold a lot of them. I’ve got to the stage where you only have to wrong me once, even if it’s slightly, and that’s it, you’re cut out. I don’t let you get close to me, I cross you off the ‘friends’ list.

I’m always being told it’s not good to hold in all this anger because at the end of the day, by being angry toward someone doesn’t hurt them, it hurts me. I’m the one with all the feelings of hurt and anger, the other person probably doesn’t even know thats how I feel. But something stops me. Something doesn’t want to let go of all the anger, because in my mind I seem to see it as that person is being let off the hook, that if I start forgiving them it means what they did to me was okay.

I have a problem. I will be the first person to admit that, but I don’t like what it makes me, or who its makes me. Yet at the same time I seem to not care about whether I fix it or not.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a complete misery. I have a hand selected number of people I would call friends. Me and my boyfriend always joke about me not having friends and I always say I don’t rally care, as long as I have a few good ones what’s the harm?

I suppose the harm is, i’m a tough nut to crack and at the rate i’m going, I probably will end up with no friends.

So i’ve made the first step. I have admitted i’ve got a problem. But the hardest bit now is fixing that, and I don’t know if i’m brave enough to do that.

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