So after that phone call from my mum I decided to go and speak to the Student Support and Guidance Officer. I had a long chat with a woman and I felt so much better after it. She told me that if I really didn’t want to stay I didn’t have to. I could make the decision, it didn’t matter what anyone else thought or wanted. The main thing was for me to be happy. After talking to her she told me that it sounded like I was a bit depressed. That was definitely a wake up call. Why should I stay somewhere that is making me feel so awful? That was when I decided I was going to leave.
I was filled with dread.
How was I going to tell my lecturer I was going to drop out? How was I going to tell the family I was living with? It was going to be awful. So I started with the lecturer. Luckily I only had a few days left until the end of the semester and it would be christmas. Thank goodness! I decided I was going to do the cowardly thing and email my lecturer. I couldn’t face speaking to her in person. I didn’t want someone to talk me into staying (which is something that has happened to me in the past). I just wanted to make a clean break and forget about it all.
Unfortunately, she responded to my email asking for a face-to-face chat. Great. I begrudgingly obliged and went along, with a firmness in my head and heart that no matter what she said I was going to stick to my guns and leave. The meeting went quite well, and she seemed pretty shocked that I had wanted to leave because she had had no idea on how I was feeling (I didn’t get an A in drama for nothing!). But she told me to think about it over christmas, and if I wanted to come back I could.
After the meeting I had the worst task of all. Telling the family I was going to leave. It went a lot better than I thought. They were so lovely about it, but I was filled with guilt. But after it all it was like a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was going home.
On one of my last nights I went to a house party, which was where I had my last night with my friends, and I actually enjoyed myself (maybe I could get used to partying after all). The next day I definitely felt it though. I had had too much to drink, and just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. So I did! In the evening I started packing all my stuff, ready for my parents to come and collect me the next day. It felt good, knowing I was going home and how much happier I was going to be.
When they came and got me the next day. Everyone, was out so I didn’t get to say a proper big goodbye, but I had managed to say one the night before. On the drive home, to cheer me up, we stopped off at Lakeside, Primark, where I stocked up on clothes to cheer myself up! The next day my friend came over and helped me unpack the entire contents of my room.
It felt good.
To be continued…