Pregnancy can be fun. Pregnancy can also be not so fun.
Before being pregnant, I just couldn’t wait until that day came where I would be growing human life inside of me. To be able to go about your day to day life and grow a human, is pretty cool if you ask me. As I currently type this, I have two heart beats in my body, 4 kidneys, 4 lungs, 2 livers. I am growing a human!
Now, what I didn’t realise before being pregnant, was that pregnancy comes with lots of different symptoms. Obviously, I had some idea… you get morning sickness, you get back ache, your boobs grow and can be sore, that sort of thing. What I didn’t think about were the mental symptoms that could occur.
Everyone always talks about pregnant women being hormonal, and crying for no reason and things like that. Well, I used to get like that when Aunt Flo came around so I thought it would be no different. Well hormones can affect you in all different ways.
Currently I am one day off of being 26 weeks pregnant, and I’m starting to find it hard. Not just the day to day things of struggling to put my shoes and socks on, or getting out of bed, or needing a wee every 5 minutes (thank you Bean for choosing just above my bladder to be your most regular seat of choice). I’m struggling mentally. I keep worrying and overthinking things. Will I be able to cope? Will I enjoy being a mum? Will a crying baby send me loopy after only having 2 hours sleep in between all the night feeds? Have I made the right decision this early on in my life? The list is endless.
Basically, I did not think I would ever feel like this. All I have ever wanted is to be married and to be a mum, and here I am having the chance to have that perfect little life I dreamed of!
I am also struggling with body image. I mean nearly every person goes through this, we’re never fully happy with our bodies, we all have little insecurities, but in all honestly, this has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would have. Pre-pregnancy, I wouldn’t care if I didn’t wear any make up. I could quite easily go shopping into Chelmsford on a Saturday, in a tracksuit, with my hair scraped back and not a smidge of makeup on my face. However, now that I’m pregnant, makeup is now this magical formula that all of a sudden makes you feel like a completely new human, and I find myself wearing make up more regularly, as well as wearing more products on my face (gone is the 5 minute morning makeup routine!).
I also had to take my belly bar out for a while, and for me, this is my most favourite piercing, and it really did pain me to take it out, but I just thought oh well I want to be as comfortable as possible, it’s only a bit of metal in my body, i’ll soon get over it. And I did. For a few weeks anyway. But over these last few weeks I have started to feel less and less like myself, and by not wearing my belly bar, I just didn’t feel like me. Every day I see this body in the mirror. It’s got my head attached to it, but I don’t recognise the rest of it. Okay, it still has the moles, freckles and scars I had, but seeing this big bump is actually very confusing to my brain! I often walk past the mirrors at work and for a split second I get shocked by the reflection I see. Even though it is MY body, it doesn’t always feel that way.
These thoughts have gotten harder over the last few weeks. It’s probably a combination of pregnancy hormones, and the fact that winter is coming, and there’s less daylight hours now, and everything is just that little bit more miserable.
Don’t get me wrong though. I still think it’s completely amazing that I am growing life, and what a gift that is to be able to protect this little baby! But sometimes, I just can’t help but feel a little annoyed that pregnancy is changing my body, and will it ever be the same again?
I am now counting down the days (98 until the due date) until I get to meet our little Bean. I will be able to hold this precious life in my hands I think, wow, we made this! This is what gets me through some of the rubbish days. Seeing those little eyes stare back up at mine, and to breathe in the warm baby smell.
I know it will all be worth it in the end.
I managed to get my belly bar back in last night though. So I’m still dancing on that little victory.