Body Blues…

So I am now 9 weeks post partum, and the body blues are real! I am fed up of having the new wobbly tummy, these chunky thighs, and quite frankly, I am sick and tired of having to wear frumpy clothes!

I have never really had any real major concerns with my body, yes there are always things I wish ‘looked better’ but I was still happy to wear whatever clothes I wanted and rock a bikini whilst on holiday. But since having a baby that has changed.

The hardest part of pregnancy for me was how much my body changed. I was pretty much all bump though, which did help a bit, but I still found it very hard to get my head round to the fact that I did infact, have a bump. I would catch sight of my reflection in mirrors whilst rushing around at work, or in a shop window and it would startle me at first! Although I knew I was pregnant, it still took my brain a while to remember that I had this bump infront of me. I was still trying to fit through gaps that definitely were not big enough for me plus a bump! The brain is a weird thing! I found it increasingly hard to accept my new body, which I had very little control over, but that’s what helped me a bit ‘I have no control over this’. So I just carried on as normal and tried to push it out of my mind.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was fed up of trying to stuff myself into jeans and t-shirts, that really were too tight, and I was looking forward to swapping my old wardrobe back. WRONG! Since giving birth I do not fit into any of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I can just about stuff myself into a pair of jeans, but I have the biggest ‘muffin top’ hanging over the edge, and to be frank, I’m just uncomfortable! I thought that once my bump was gone everything would be easier, forgetting the fact that when you breast feed you go up a cup size, or 2 and now have 2 different bumps to contend with and STILL do not fit into my old clothes!

Now I do have control over my body, things haven’t got better for me, if anything they have gotten worse! I am constantly standing on the scales day in day out, hoping a pound, or just an ounce would slip of my body, but alas, still not back to pre-pregnancy weight. Okay, yes I have lost a stone, but half of that was baby, a portion of that was placenta, and the rest of it was obvious water because I dropped that in a week and nothing has come off since.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of this post is to be perfectly honest. I think it’s just a way to get all my feelings onto ‘paper’ to hopefully get it out of my system and just MOVE ON! But we will see, I am a woman after all, and we can hold onto things forever!

Baby incoming!

So i’m in my third trimester, which means that I’m nearly there. The day of Bean’s arrival is imminent, I will finally be meeting my baby! So far the third trimester has treated me really well and I  just want this pregnancy to be over and done with so we can finally meet the little human I’ve been growing for all these months!

My body is already preparing me for sleepless nights, as I am not sleeping very well at the moment! Normally my head hits the pillow and I’m out for the count until the morning. But every night I wake up because I’m uncomfortable or I need a wee, or my leg has decided to cramp up, or I’m being kicked in the ribs! 

I’m praying for a ‘good baby’ who gets into a routine quickly and only cries when they are hungry (and it would be helpful if they weren’t hungry all the time so they don’t cry all the time…). But I’m sure I will manage with whatever type baby we are blessed with!

I’ve started having wobbles every now and then about Bean’s arrival, especially as it’s less than 2 months till our due date, and I still haven’t bought everything that I need to. My hospital bag still isn’t packed (I have made a start but I should really get it finished for peace of mind!). I just can’t believe how quickly this time has come around, but on the other hand, these last few weeks feel like they are dragging! Not long until i’m on Mat leave and I can start nesting properly. I’ve already started getting itchy feet and want to get everything prepared, but to be honest, on my days off all I want to do is relax- after being so busy the last few weeks with Christmas shoppers, and refunds and exchanges galore from all the customers who didn’t like their Christmas presents and really cannot face having to sort through all the junk that- according to my husband I ‘hoard’. 

I’ve now bought my baby birth record cross stitch that I’m going to make for my little Bean, I’m just waiting for my Aida to arrive (cross stitch speak, don’t worry, I didn’t have a clue what an aida was until the other day either!) then I can get it started.

I’ve been reading the most brilliant book ever ‘The Unmumsy Mum‘ to prepare me for the hurricane that is about to become mother hood. It has been such an eye opener for what journey we are about to embark on, and has me in hysterics during my lunch breaks at work (sorry to all my colleagues who I’ve been annoying with all my fits of laughter!). I could not recommend this book enough to anyone who has children, who wants children, or to anyone who is currently pregnant. It’s amazing. It’s an account from one mum to another about all the stress that children can bring you, but also all the joy they bring into your lives. I’m just glad that she’s honest, because it gives you a taste for what parenthood is really like.

I still cannot believe that I am about to become a mother. It is something I have always wanted. To get married and have children young. My dreams and ambitions are becoming a reality and I just feel so blessed. Chances are once the baby has arrived there will be many a blog post where I am having a breakdown and i’m ranting and raving about how fed up I am of pooey nappies and sickey burps, but you should all know by now that I say it how it is. I like to be ‘real’.

Once Bean has arrived, I’m thinking about having a series on my blog which are like diary entries. I’m not quite sure what i’m going to call this series yet, but I know it’s definitely something I want to do.

I can’t wait to share the next chapter with you!

‘You’re blooming nicely!’

That’s one of the phrases someone has said to me recently, along with the “when are you due?… Wow that’s a neat bump for a February baby!’. Well let me tell you, that made me feel flipping marvellous! Throughout my pregnancy I have felt like my bump was massive! Some of my friends have even joked that I must be having twins! It seemed to be growing rapidly, and every time I went for my midwife appointments I was always measuring above where they recommend you to be. The biggest measure was my 31 week appointment, where my bump had grown 4cm’s in 2 weeks and was measuring the size of a 33 week bump! Thankfully, I had my 33 week appointment today and there had been no further growth in the bump, so it looks like Bean was just having a growth spurt!

 

16+5

21+2

23+3

26+3

28 Weeks

30+1

32+2

Considering I am 33 weeks pregnant, and we’ve had Christmas, and I’ve pretty much eaten what I fancied whenever I wanted it, I haven’t put on that much weight! In total I’ve put on 10 Kilos, which is just under 1 and a half stone. But I would like to point out that I haven’t been gorging myself! But on the same note I haven’t been strict with my diet. If i’ve fancied chocolate, i’ve eaten some, if i’ve wanted a takeaway, i’ve ordered one. But I have also been making sure I have been eating proper balanced meals, and had healthy snacks (when someone can rip the bag of pickled onion monster munch out of my hands) with my lunch.

So many people have told me that as soon as I go on Mat leave i’m gonna pile on all this weight, and become the size of a house, but comments like that just make me even more determined to keep that weight off! It’s helped that I have an active job ( I work in retail, and let me tell you… Christmas in retail is mental, and being 30 odd weeks pregnant and battling the mess and the queues is an achievement!) and I have been making sure I drink plenty of fluid so I don’t have any water retention.

So, I’m in my third trimester, and everyone says that they second trimester is the best because you start to feel sore and achey in the third and the first trimester you’re either being sick or just feel sick!, but luckily so far, I have felt really good. Okay, there have been days where I’m absolutely shattered, and my sciatica has been playing me havoc, but who wouldn’t feel sore and achey after an 11 shift on Boxing Day?! I have been determined to not play the ‘pregnancy card’ and just carry on with my job as normal, much to my colleagues horror when they find me up a ladder in the stock room… oops, or when they catch me lifting a box I probably shouldn’t be… But unfortunately, I’m just not that type of person who will happily just sit with my feet up all day (okay some days I don’t get out of bed till 11am, but I did that pregnant or not pregnant… it’s okay to treat yourself once in a while!) I need to be active, I need to be doing something, I need to feel a sense of achievement and be productive! I think that has been one of the factors as to why i’ve managed to stay rather slender.

It’s also just nice hearing nice comments, like ‘you wouldn’t even know you’re pregnant from behind!’ or ‘I can’t believe you’ve only got 8 weeks left, you’re all bump, you haven’t put with on anywhere else!’ when you’re feeling particularly large and uncomfortable.

So far, they only problems i’m really having is getting comfortable in bed, or bending down to put my shoes and socks on, or finding something nice to wear (nothing fits any more and I refuse to pay crazy money on posh maternity clothes that i’ll hardly ever wear!) because some days, you just get fed up of wearing hoodies and tracksuit bottoms (it makes me feel like Vicky Pollard).

So thank you, to all you kind people who have said nice words to me, told me i’m glowing and my hair is looking lovely and glossy (when all i’ve done is actually wash it for the first time in a few days), you really do make my day.

What pregnancy has taught me

Pregnancy can be fun. Pregnancy can also be not so fun.

Before being pregnant, I just couldn’t wait until that day came where I would be growing human life inside of me. To be able to go about your day to day life and grow a human, is pretty cool if you ask me. As I currently type this, I have two heart beats in my body, 4 kidneys, 4 lungs, 2 livers. I am growing a human!

Now, what I didn’t realise before being pregnant, was that pregnancy comes with lots of different symptoms. Obviously, I had some idea… you get morning sickness, you get back ache, your boobs grow and can be sore, that sort of thing. What I didn’t think about were the mental symptoms that could occur.

Everyone always talks about pregnant women being hormonal, and crying for no reason and things like that. Well, I used to get like that when Aunt Flo came around so I thought it would be no different. Well hormones can affect you in all different ways.

Currently I am one day off of being 26 weeks pregnant, and I’m starting to find it hard. Not just the day to day things of struggling to put my shoes and socks on, or getting out of bed, or needing a wee every 5 minutes (thank you Bean for choosing just above my bladder to be your most regular seat of choice). I’m struggling mentally. I keep worrying and overthinking things. Will I be able to cope? Will I enjoy being a mum? Will a crying baby send me loopy after only having 2 hours sleep in between all the night feeds? Have I made the right decision this early on in my life? The list is endless.

Basically, I did not think I would ever feel like this. All I have ever wanted is to be married and to be a mum, and here I am having the chance to have that perfect little life I dreamed of!

I am also struggling with body image. I mean nearly every person goes through this, we’re never fully happy with our bodies, we all have little insecurities, but in all honestly, this has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would have. Pre-pregnancy, I wouldn’t care if I didn’t wear any make up. I could quite easily go shopping into Chelmsford on a Saturday, in a tracksuit, with my hair scraped back and not a smidge of makeup on my face. However, now that I’m pregnant, makeup is now this magical formula that all of a sudden makes you feel like a completely new human, and I find myself wearing make up more regularly, as well as wearing more products on my face (gone is the 5 minute morning makeup routine!).

I also had to take my belly bar out for a while, and for me, this is my most favourite piercing, and it really did pain me to take it out, but I just thought oh well I want to be as comfortable as possible, it’s only a bit of metal in my body, i’ll soon get over it. And I did. For a few weeks anyway. But over these last few weeks I have started to feel less and less like myself, and by not wearing my belly bar, I just didn’t feel like me. Every day I see this body in the mirror. It’s got my head attached to it, but I don’t recognise the rest of it. Okay, it still has the moles, freckles and scars I had, but seeing this big bump is actually very confusing to my brain! I often walk past the mirrors at work and for a split second I get shocked by the reflection I see. Even though it is MY body, it doesn’t always feel that way.

These thoughts have gotten harder over the last few weeks. It’s probably a combination of pregnancy hormones, and the fact that winter is coming, and there’s less daylight hours now, and everything is just that little bit more miserable.

Don’t get me wrong though. I still think it’s completely amazing that I am growing life, and what a gift that is to be able to protect this little baby! But sometimes, I just can’t help but feel a little annoyed that pregnancy is changing my body, and will it ever be the same again?

I am now counting down the days (98 until the due date) until I get to meet our little Bean. I will be able to hold this precious life in my hands I think, wow, we made this! This is what gets me through some of the rubbish days. Seeing those little eyes stare back up at mine, and to breathe in the warm baby smell.

I know it will all be worth it in the end.

P.S

I managed to get my belly bar back in last night though. So I’m still dancing on that little victory.

Get up and go!

This is something I have been seriously lacking in, in the last 2 months or so. I’m not sure if my pregnancy is to blame, but I definitely think it’s a factor. For me, so far, pregnancy has been tiring and to be perfectly honest, bugging me at times. I wasn’t feeling myself, I get extra aggy for no reason, and I’m just tired, all the time! But it isn’t a lack of sleep type of tired, it’s an unmotivated, do I really have to put my dirty washing in the laundry basket? Kind of tired. I think it’s really been bugging Ryan if I’m honest. Now let me tell you, he has been so good during my pregnancy, even though I have been grumpy, and angry and sometimes shouting ‘you don’t understand what this is like!’. he has been very understanding, I’ve just been a cantankerous old witch. I am so very grateful for him. He has done most of the cooking, most of the cleaning, and just putting up with me in genera is a task in itself (pregnant or not!).

I am starting to feel a bit better now, but I think that’s because I am making a choice (sort of, you’ll see what I mean). Making a choice to get up out of bed on my days off (yes okay I didn’t get out of my bed till 10am today, but I’m telling you, I could have so easily stayed in it till 12! The way I am coping is making a choice, to not give myself a choice,┬áif that makes any sense?! So many times we tell ourselves we can’t do things, or we don’t want to do things, but really, it’s mind over matter. If you just get up and do the thing you know you’ve got to do, and just cut out the argument you’re having with yourself in your head (like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other), you’ll actually find yourself; 1. Doing more stuff and, 2. feeling a lot better. I think that has a lot to do with our mental stability, and happiness, not giving ourselves the choice, because 9 times out of 10 we will be arguing with our selves about should we get out of bed, when we know full well we will be getting up at some point during the day, so why not just do it straight away and save yourself from going round and round in your head with your pesky shoulder friends?

Give it a try, you’ll probably surprise yourself with how much better you feel!

Food, glorious food!

So now I’m into my second trimester I have finally got some of my appetite back! For those of you who know me well, you will know that I LOVE food! My instagram is an example of that, because pretty much every other post is of food! Well, in my first trimester of pregnancy, it was pretty darn miserable, because I was never hungry. Well I was hungry, sometimes, but I could never pinpoint what is was that I wanted to eat. I’m a lover of a hot dinner, don’t you go serving me up a salad or a sandwich for my evening meal, because I will turn my nose up at it like it’s poison. Well you can tell what pregnancy did to me can’t you? Yep. I didn’t want any hot dinners. As a matter of fact I didn’t want dinner full stop and I would just about manage some toast or crackers for a few weeks, if I could stomach anything at all that was!

So it’s safe to say I am overjoyed with being able to eat again! As for cravings, the only things I have noticed since becoming pregnant is sausage rolls, pickled onion flavoured crisps and vegetable pies. Not all at the same time though. Sausage rolls was before I even realised I was pregnant and a few weeks after that. Vegetable pies, was quite a regular thing when I didn’t want to eat dinner, but the thought of having a pie just made my mouth water, so I made sure I had plenty of those in stock, and pickled onion crisps, have always been something I have loved, it’s just I want them daily now, rather than every now and then.

I am so glad that I haven’t had any weird cravings, and I hope I never will! I was convinced that when I became pregnant I would end up craving things I hated, like seafood, or cheesy mushrooms! I don’t even know if I would be able to put myself through that kind of torture!

The beauty of pregnancy… Or so I thought!

I just want to say before you start reading that this is supposed to be a light hearted post and not a whingey one, I understand there are so many women out there who are trying to conceive and are struggling and I don’t want this to upset anyone. 

So I’ve just come out of my first trimester, and let me tell you, pregnancy is not fun!

I know everyone has different experiences and you shouldn’t just go by how I felt, but man I got a shock to the system.

Before I was pregnant I would tell everyone how I couldn’t wait to be pregnant, that I would probably love pregnancy and it would be amazing to grow a human, because seriously how cool is the human body that you actually grow a new human inside of you?! I thought I would be one of these ladies that just looks so radiant and feels so wonderful all the time. WRONG!!!!

In all honesty the first trimester has been rather unpleasant! Some of you might feel like I’m over reacting because don’t get me wrong, some people get it so much worse and I honestly feel so sorry for them, but it’s affected me in ways too!

First things first, this was a planned pregnancy so as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon, so luckily there wasn’t much to get my head around. However, I did also think… “What have I done?! I am going to grow a child and then be responsible for it!!!” Those feelings come and go but mainly I’m fine with the idea of being a mother. That’s another thing, for weeks I was thinking “wow I’m going to have a baby” then all of a sudden it hit me and it was more like “hang on… I’m going to be a mother, what does that even mean?!” 

As for symptoms, I’ve gotten off pretty lightly to be honest. The worst one being morning sickness. I don’t know why they call it morning sickness because it should be called all day sickness, and if anything I feel worse at night than I do in the morning! I have been super lucky in the fact that I’ve only actually been sick 3 times, but I have pretty much felt sick all day every day for these first 3 months, and I’m one of these weird people that would actually just rather be sick than feel sick (well at least if you’re sick the sickness feeling stops!), but I knew that I couldn’t force myself to be sick because I  had to look after the little baby that was inside me, so I begrudgingly just carted my sick bowl around the house, knowing full well it was never going to get any use, but it was there ‘just in case’.

Other symptoms I’ve had are heartburn; but a Rennie normally sorts that out, my sciatica has been playing me up, my toilet habits have changed in different ways (I won’t gross you out with details), abdominal cramping, which basically feels like someone is cutting your uterus with a very rusty knife!, my clumsiness is the worst it’s ever been. I have always been a scatty and clumsy person, but I am constantly tripping up or bashing into things and misjudging spaces, pretty much on a daily basis. I’ve had a few bouts of dizziness with one day where I felt like I had my vertigo back and I did actually fall into a wall a few times where I had lost my balance haha! My sense of small has also been through the roof, now I’ve got a nose like a dog as it is, but sometimes the smell of certain foods is so over powering it’s got me running to the bathroom incase (by some miracle to relieve my nausea) that I’m sick (it’s only happened once). Another one is fatigue. Oh.My.Goodness. Now I don’t claim to be the fittest person but I like to think that I’m pretty active in my job so I shouldn’t get that tired. Ha! Apparently a five minute walk from the car to work now has me out of breath and needing five minutes to sit down. Not to mention the amount of times I find myself sitting on a kickstool throughout the day because I just can’t cope with hanging clothes up?!

There have been a few other symptoms but those have been the worst ones or the most frequent. Now I’ve been reading that the second trimester is supposed to be the nice one, you feel more energised, the nausea subsides and you actually start to enjoy pregnancy, which would be wonderful!

Please don’t let this post put you off having a baby (even though I have joked a few times that if I knew I would be feeling this rough I would have waited a bit longer to become a mum!) because although I feel pretty rubbish 90% of the time, I’m still excited by the fact that I am currently growing a human that is half mine and half Ryan’s and that is pretty mindblowing!

That’s enough of me moaning for one day, bring on the second trimester!